Kent State College Fest 2012, as told by the guy in the cone

So I will begin this tale of epic-ness in Circle K, the place where I had traveled to purchase my second case of PBR of the day. The first case had disappeared when I unknowingly entered the realm of the mysterious and probably infectious rack of beer bongs, by far the greatest display of mounted beer bongs I have ever seen. They say that no one left that yard thirsty, and I certainly did not.

 The line at Circle K was wrapped around the snack island back to the door and of course only one person was working. The girl standing in front of me must have had good taste because she decided to blurt out loud that I was hot and that we should make out. It could have been because I appeared to be white trash and destined for trouble or maybe because it’s painful to wait in line when you’re drunk and there is an entire days’ worth of raging to be done. Truth is, she probably just wanted some of the pringles I had tucked under my arm. Anyways this girl starts trying to make out with me --I told her to wait and she could have some pringles when we got out of there. I checked out, and popped open that tube of fun as we walked back to College Street.

Well the pringles guy lied to me and the fun did stop for a brief period of time as I lost her to some other guy not even five minutes after my return. Luckily for all of you, this only increased my thirst for adventure. Now I’m not sure what it is about being drunk on a crowded street and the need to throw things through the air, but the skies were filled with enough Bud Light Platinum to tranquilize Charlie Sheen. I witnessed a few close encounters, but inevitably someone who wasn’t wearing their helmet took a blue bottle to the dome. The burly man quickly summoned the spirit of Rampage frickin Jackson and stormed across the street. Blood was spilt. It is unknown to me whether the poor fella who’s face was now gushing actually threw the bottle, but it was not his lucky day. The smell of blood was now in the air and the fights grew more widespread and uncontrollable as they lost all sense of reason. Now an ambulance is plowing through the crowd while the angry mobsters hurled more Bud Light Platinum at it and I don’t know if I’m watching Project X for the second time or really witnessing this madness. So the ambulance is followed by some riot patrol, who are, I suppose coming to break up the “riot” or whatever you’d like to call it.

So at some point during the next few minutes, I venture behind a house to take one of the most life changing drunk pisses in history. Obviously there is no point in looking down while you piss outside unless you are writing your name in the snow, so naturally I was scanning my surroundings. Into my vision appeared an orange construction BARREL which many of you are referring to as a cone. Being the creative drunk that I am, I decided to pick up the barrel and carry it back to the crowd, because you know, why the hell not? It had potential. Well it turns out it had more potential than I could have imagined at the time. Tear gas covered the street like a morning fog as I danced with the barrel raised above my head. The tear gas was doing its job and the crowd began to slowly move backwards. At that moment I knew why I had brought the barrel with me. Maybe I was inspired by the Ron Paul rally I had attended the day before, or maybe not -- but I didn’t do a whole lot of thinking between that moment and when I realized I was kneeling inside the barrel mere feet from the road. Once inside, I told myself I had to stay there until the line of police walked past me--of course I didn’t realize my feet were clearly visible. I simply thought they would walk right on by. The barrel did not at all keep the tear gas from getting into my eyes and lungs. Sitting in the barrel there was not fun, but thankfully the gas got to me before the police did. After an estimated sixty seconds inside of the barrel, I got up and stumbled away, evading police.

Now I know that is a lot to take in, but the story continues. There were two more incidents that day I feel like if you’re reading this you’d like to know about. The next incident happened about 5 minutes after the barrel incident and involved a separate traffic cone, although this one was actually a cone. I decided it was a good idea to use it as a horn and rally people together who were scattered between the houses. This got the attention of whoever was throwing the tear gas and a canister landed directly at my feet and began releasing smoke. Before I could react, a brave man attempted to pick it up and throw it. Unfortunately, a man in uniform wielding a paintball gun did not approve of his bravery. As I was without my protective barrel, I got the hell out of there. Now this last story doesn’t involve any traffic cones, but it does involve the police--and a tree. I had climbed up this tree for no reason other than that it had a branch that hung over the sidewalk. I figured that I could use this branch to pour beverages into the mouths of thirsty pedestrians. No longer than two minutes after I climbed to my post, yet another unlucky man was pulled over by the police literally right beside the tree. I stood there--motionless, until the cop got out of his car, at which time I leapt from the tree and took off into the darkness.
 The End